Your true voice?

Today I wanted to bring attention to the topic of “conversation”, especially on the internet.

More and more we all get involved with internet: We write and read blogs, we comment on the blogs and we get involved with social media like Facebook and twitter.
It is great to get involved, to find more people around the world, and also to get a chance to show yourself a bit. But most of these interactions are still done with text only, and all the complex “silent language” that is involved when having a conversation with a person face to face, is lost.

For example, we don’t hear the tone of voice in a text, we don’t see the facial expressions, the speed, the accents, the emotions, the body language, etc. I constantly see people misunderstand each other online, and often, these misinterpretations lead to really huge discussions and sometimes, mean personal attacks.

Evolving our interactions

Of course we are slowly developing tools to help the interactions online; a simple one is of course all the smileys that we use to emphasize our emotional state. But I think we have to evolve in other ways as well and not just rely on tools trying to mimic our expression. We also have to evolve as human beings, concentrating on our internal side a bit and not just on technology.

Of course, we don’t always agree and that is ok. It is a part of the human drama. But I do think we can learn to not always jump the gun and react so quickly to what other people say and think.
So, here I will list a few ideas and practices that I think are extremely useful when you engage online as a reader, commenter and writer. Why is this good for art? It will open your mind to the possibilities out there. Being creative in your surroundings and interactions make you a much more creative person in general. And you might also be able to take the critiques a little more lightly this way.

• When reading a post or comment, read it like YOU wrote it. You can even read it aloud. This way you will connect more with the message and be a little more open to the idea presented.
• Find at least one thing that is correct with the the post/comment. You might not agree in general, but try to see some value in this perspective, even if it is a tiny one. But focus on that. Remember, no one is smart enough to be a 100% wrong all the time. What is right about the comment or post?
• Read a post , text or blog with the voice of your favorite person.
• Read your own posts or comments like someone else wrote them. The idea here is to become more objective about your own views.
• Find ONE thing (just one to start with or you might deconstruct your whole message and we don’t want that….) about your post that actually could be limiting.
• When reading harsh critique against you, try to see what is truly helpful, or read it with a happy and kind voice that means you well, or with the voice of the smurfs.
• Take a moment to let the message sink in before you reply. Perhaps even a day or a week, and ground yourself in the wisdom you have before answering.
• Don’t skim through a text if it really interests you, and especially not if you intend to reply. Take the time, you might learn something new.
• Ask yourself: “Why do I have to be so right? Is it really worth all this effort to prove someone wrong and will they truly change? Who am I truly trying to convince, the other person, or myself? Does working so hard to prove someone wrong making our relationship better? Am I feeling better from this interaction? Could it be that there are perspectives that I yet don’t know?”
• Change the tone of voice. Now, this requires a little more explanation. Please try an experiment with me. Read this sentence normally: “I can’t believe you did that.”
  • Now read this sentence like the person is really angry.
  • Read it like the person is really sad.
  • Read it like the person is very happy.
  • Read it like the person is very horny. 

  And so on. Who is really imposing the emotion? – You, or the one who wrote the sentence?

Of course, the person who wrote it had an intention, and in some cases it is quite clear what emotional state the writer is in. But in most cases this is not easy to tell, even if we think so. I suggest you don’t really know most of the time no matter how smart you are. Read with a neutral tone. Assume you don’t know the state of the writer and understand the text without jumping to conclusions.

Projection and Translation

Most of us confuse our OWN imposed emotional state with the writer’s; we actually think what we feel is the way the writer feels. And worse yet, while reading someone’s post or comment, we often negatively react to the emotional state of the post, that we in fact ourselves projected in the first place. So, we are in fact reacting to ourselves when we reply. We are talking to ourselves!

Another thing we often do, that is quite similar to the emotional state-confusion, is when we read through someone’s text and “translate” the meaning to something we have heard in the past. Instead of just reading and truly seeing the perspective of the writer, we change the meaning slightly to something we already know of that “sort of” sounds the same as what we are reading. This happens mostly unconsciously, and we do it very quickly.
The reason for this is that we are not comfortable with the unknown and we like to think we know. So, rather than reading something and actually not knowing what it truly means, or perhaps the text is making us ask questions or think in a new way, we rather translate the meaning into something we are familiar with. The problem is that this translation completely misses the message most of the time. We truly don’t hear nor understand the perspective of the writer. Again, we are having a conversation with our own assumptions.

I know best!

You might think the above sounds strange, but it is a well known fact in psychology and there are all kinds of fancy names for these kind of behaviors which I won’t bore you with now.
These behaviors happen outside the the social media too, in normal life, but I see that the confusion is even bigger with text-interaction.
Just look at most politics and religions and you will see this phenomena is happening constantly: Most people don’t hear a single thing of what the opposite is saying. We just assume “they” talk about “that” and just react to it. Just think of how much more complicated it is with just text.

The real truth is that we are not very willing to see the other view, even a tiny bit. I think this fear comes partly from the fact that we are so identified we our views; thinking our views are what we are, that we are often terrified of changing them. It is almost like we think we would disappear if we changed our minds. It might sound ridiculous to you but I remind you again how strict people are with politics, religion and sex for example. And I’m sure that you have views you hold onto very tightly, just as I do.

Arrogance comes from frustration, not from compassion

If people want to believe something that does not harm anyone, even though you think it is really silly, why not let them do that and grow at their own pace? Why so certain you know better and that you need to “save” them? Truth is that by ridiculing people and forcing them to think differently does not work at all, and has the opposite effect in most cases. For example, I like Bill Maher and understand some of his points, but only his fans hear him. No one else does. Perhaps this is not the most effective way to reach people and help them grow?

Many people think that certain religious behavior is very forced and dogmatic. That might be very true, but it is also very violent to attack someone for having those beliefs, demanding a change. We forget that people are mostly happy with where they are at and if you attack them for their beliefs, often with a superior and aggressive tone, why would they want to be where you are at if it seems like you are quite unhappy?

An interesting example is Richard Dawkins. He is clearly a very intelligent and educated man capable of critical thinking, and he has a lot of good points. In many aspects I totally agree with him and I see he has a strong passion that I encourage. But he is not aware of the arrogance he puts out, which is a kind of a hidden anger, and it is this anger that people who don’t agree with pick up on, not his message. People who do not agree with him, especially devote religious people, see an arrogant angry person attacking their worth and this does not make them want to change a bit. Dawkins also lacks the capacity to understand another person’s view (other than his worldview) which he really should be able to do, truly coming from a more educated and open worldview than some of the mythic-oriented religions he attacks. My advice is that Dawkins learns the language of the people he tries to “help”, because they simply do not understand him because he talks only from his “own world”.

I don’t mean that Dawkin’s knowledge is arrogant. No, he is often right, but that his tone and sometimes over-confidence that he knows best is a problem. He is not nearly as open to other views as he says he is and not humble enough to realize there are many things he does not know. And it is very simple to attack mythic religions. I have yet to see him talk to a person with a high spiritual intelligence.

So what to do?

Well, you can continue to be angry with people. Most will in fact, and I do all the silly things mentioned above too. Part of this is to relax about the fact that this is so.

But why not start with a little awareness of the fact that we all have some truth, but not all the truth, and that we need to work together. It does not mean accepting everything. Only an idiot accepts everything. No, it means truly listening and it means compassion for letting people be where they are at. And being open to new ideas makes you more creative.

And sometimes we can be angry too, angry that people refuse to open and see what they are. Angry that people cannot be themselves and grow. Angry that there is so little compassion. But let’s try to be angry from our deepest places, from our deepest heart and mind, full of compassion for people around us who are trying to understand this world in their way just like you are now in your way. And let’s try to use less anger from the place of repression and sadness due to the fact that we feel that we don’t belong and that the world has not given us what we need.

If we feel more listened too, if we let people be themselves a bit more, we can relax. I think this fact is one extraordinary and helpful step towards peace. I think most people who react very violently, are simply not being heard enough. It is of course not just that simple, and certain behavior is simply not accepted and shouldn’t be. But I think listening and giving people some space is still an important part that we could all do for a more civilized and open society. And we can start practicing this online as well.

So, try the points I have mentioned above, or come up with your own in order to be more open to what people are and what they say and think. Is there anything right about the opinion of your enemy, or the person you argue with? What can you learn from them? How can you communicate with them in their language? Think about how you love it when someone truly understands you. Why not give that gift to someone else?

I would love to hear more comments of your experience and thoughts about this.

Cheers!

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• Turn your distractions off!
• Welcome Frustration
• Criticizing other’s work will make you frustrated

About Samuel Törnqvist